post bedtime thoughts.

Laying in bed trying to sleep I couldn't help but notice my heart beating in my chest. It surprised me when I first focused on it, the first time in a few days the rythmic two cycle in out bump duh wasn't associated with a pain in the weird spot in my head between head, brain, and boogers.  Makes sense that I couldn't let go of my consciousness and drift to sleep, instead choosing to hyper fixate on shit I've already moved on from. Years old gripes, traumas, and missteps reminding me this reality has ample opportunities to break new ways once I build my time machine and try to remedy them. I think about situations where I refused to advocate for my own sovereignty to resolve my own problems in fear of multiplying them. Now jump to when I gave up at literal and non literal finish lines out of self pity. These thoughts inevitably slip to situations I was the victim of cruelty, ignoring any cross examination of when I was cruel. 

Jumping from old episode to old episode of questionable accuracy until I find myself completely awake deciding to grab my phone and swipe and drag and scroll and fill up my mind with something else.  My consciousness like a sponge pulled back in an archers now. The energy stored waiting for the moment to unless. Beyond the point of canceling, just delaying inevitable. A sponge ready to absorb and grow assimilate to. 

Unsure of the topic of obsession. Maybe I start looking up everyone I've ever talked to and see how they display themselves on the internet, read between the lines to determine if karma got to them yet. Bad or good. Flourished or decay. Why do I care?

Can't hyper fixate on the news. For someone who didn't shut up about politics when I was younger I lost all taste for it now. Same with combat footage. I've seen enough to get how bad it can get for an individual. Kinda reminds me how I get sick on boats now. But I feel like I'm getting getting carried away on a crest of a wave. So walk this way

Sorry not sure what happened there. 

My phone buzzes, a work notification; permission to touch my phone. The charade of trying to sleep is broken and I'm falling back into my usual routine of refreshing and scrolling. Looking for validation and connection and art and sex and familiarity and music and self expression. So I ended up writing another fucking blog post about nothing. This doesn't say anything. Typical late night narcissism wanting to talk about myself but the paranoia of being used against me later resulted in this bullshit. 

Go the fuck back to bed. Maybe try focusing on your breathing instead. You're not going to fix the problem at work right now anyway so you might as well ignore it instead of obsessing over it. 

Shit. 

Sponge away.